Norwich: Where’s my Happy Ending: Anna Whitehouse and Matt Farquharson, by co-host Sally White
Sally White is a writer, teacher, mum, feminist, blogger. Follow her on instagram @sallywhitewrites.
“Whatever the relationship weather, Valentine’s Day can be a tricky date - it can turn a spotlight on the void between expectations and realities. What Norwich needed on a blustery 13th Feb night was two experts to help us navigate the treacherous waters of relationships. Enter Anna Whitehouse and Matt Farquharson.
These two, who are a decade and two children into marriage, have written a book that peers behind a range of modern relationships. Their book, Where’s My Happy Ending, is a well-researched and moving look at long-term relationships, open relationships, solo relations, paid sexual relations and all the bits in between. Anna and Matt came to Jarrold’s last week to discuss their research and share the nuggets of gold they mined from monks, sex workers, fisherman and philosophers.
Matt began by telling us some brutal truths about relationships: ‘All the research shows unequivocally that having children makes a couple less happy’. Ah, but what about when they leave? Surely we’ll all be freewheeling to long weekends and mid-morning bonks once they’ve shipped out? ‘Divorce rates amongst the over-60s are soaring’. Grand. Happy Valentine’s Day. What about staying single? ‘Staying single improves health outcomes for women’. A cloud passes over Jarrold’s as we stare morosely into our gin and tonics. So how can we make it less...bleak?
Sally White, Anna Whitehouse, Matt Farquharson, Emma Victor-Smith, photo @emilygrayphoto
The monks suggested chanting. But I can’t imagine many of us amongst the 90-odd crowd think that would truly hit the spot. The sex commune dwellers advise sharing sexual partners and feelings. We’re British. Both would make us uncomfortable. A Dutch sex worker advised something that ensured none of us would ever again look a squid in the ‘eye’.
We all lean forward on our chairs, keen to hear what could work.
‘Cast your net wide,’ Anna advises. This pearl was given to her by a Kentish fisherman. Have friends, interests, support networks, hobbies and activities beyond your partner. They can’t be it all for you- it’s a burden no one could carry. Cast your net wide.
‘Ask yourself: what does love need now?’ Matt says. It sounds borderline self-help, but it works -I’ve been trying it. Before you snipe next time, think ‘what does love need now?’ and most likely it’s for you to put the kettle on and bring up your complaint when you’re less fed up. Odds on, you’ll forget it anyway.
‘Go nose to nose’: turn away from screens and child-worship and take a long look at/drive to Romford with the person you chose to marry. They’re in there, and you like them. It’s easy to love in the early days of lounging and laughing- but you ‘never enter the same river twice’. You move on, your relationship changes, your circumstances evolve. Roll with it.
‘Remember that this is it.‘ A relationship isn’t going to happen later. It’s happening now. Whether you’re in a relationship with yourself, your spouse or your friends, it’s happening now. Make the most of it.
Anna and Matt have woven their own story amongst the statistics. These glimpses of their grief, disappointments, affection and longings bind the book, and a reader feels like they’ve rummaged about in the nooks and crannies of a very personal and relatable account of a relationship. I don’t think any of us there that wintery night before Valentine’s envied their situation - travelling the train lines and the airwaves to discuss all the unspoken challenges of a marriage that creaks under the pressure of ‘what if...?’ This Valentine’s, I think all of us lucky enough to to have basked in the honesty of Anna and Matt went home to our partners and ourselves a little kinder and a little keener to ask ‘what does love need now?’” Sally White.
Anna and Matt could transform the nation's relationships after all their research! Hearing from Anna and Matt was funny, reassuring, inspiring and emotional as they discussed their Sunday Times Best Seller 'Where's My Happy Ending'.
Thank you to Sally for co-quizzing the Pukkas with me and for writing the above article which sums up the evening perfectly. Thank you to everyone who came; you were such a fab audience (excellent questions). Liza Koroleva designed the stage beautifully using Jarrolds lovely products and is a huge support to We Got This (Sometimes! (rarely)) in the background. Thank you to St Giles Gin for their welcome drinks, and Sarah Willert at Meraki Interiors, all this wouldn’t happen without a network of lovely people pulling in at the right times.
Emily Gray Photography was on hand to capture these beautiful photos from the evening and did a superb job as always.
There are some signed books at @jarroldnorwich in the bookshop if you missed out. Emma x
