Blathering

An unresolved look at working and motherhood

Please follow @emilycoxhead!

Please follow @emilycoxhead!

"According to the Office for National Statistics, the number of working mothers in England has gone up by more than a million in the past two decades, which means there’s a lot of us who grew up without a roadmap for how to do this" says Hadley Freeman, which explains why a business like We Got This (Sometimes!) exists, and why, when women just stop, they wonder is this the "right" way?!

I figured I may as well be honest...I've drafted three or four posts throughout our first school summer holidays ranting, pondering, deliberating about how to manage work and motherhood. It is an 11 week period of abnormal routine, as my daughter started summer super early and doesn't start full time school until the 20th, it has probably been the longest time I've felt not in control of my time. We've been lucky with friends to swap time, which has helped. Each time I stopped myself publishing a post as I don't want to appear ungrateful for anything, but I am right - the system is broken, how can we move it into a space where it works?! Millions of parents accept the juggle of working and school holidays, a friend takes two weeks off, her husband takes two weeks off, her own mum takes two weeks off to create an affordable summer. That's not do-able for everyone.

I've gone from thoughts of retraining as a teacher to be able to have stressless summer holidays, panicking about how to freelance with no after school care and trying to reassure myself that I could fit it into three days in school hours (I wouldn't be able to), to giving up work (we couldn't afford that), to economising, to appreciating the little guys much more than ever, to actually working for a corporate team from home for a ten day project (that's a whole other post) to decluttering wardrobes and my office to feel 'ready for a new term'. We had a week where our youngest was poorly, so that week we were still paying for nursery which we couldn't use, and I couldn't work to pay for it as I was looking after him. I understand the commercials for nursery but it doesn't feel fair. In the end, surrendered, gave in, and worked minimally for a few weeks. Which was the right decision but feeling very behind. I've also realised it wasn't just having two children that made me pursue a different road, school life is as big a puzzle to juggle. 

My daughter has left pre-school and just started primary school which threw up so many emotions and thoughts - she was fine, her school is great and her teacher is lovely. There is a sketch I saw recently which exactly illustrates what happened in my head with this:

Worry-circles.jpg

It has been a busy summer, when you're with your kids you don't REALLY talk, even with friends - maybe that's why my googling has gone wild! 

SO. Here is my reading list so far. My intention is to create a conference type event next year with a gang of like-minded women, for businesses in this area to open the conversation around actively bringing women back into the workspace, for example job sharing senior positions seems to be non existent from what I can see. I've contacted London job sharing agencies to request extending to Norwich but not heard back. There is a team brewing, I've ideas about key speakers and feel it is IMPORTANT. Manchester is all over this in a big way. We have had one Mother Pukka event, which was crucial and brilliant - but as we realised, the 120 women in the audience KNEW. 

The answer categorically is NOT 'just give up working'. For many reasons it is not an option, and also why train, study and build a career for it to slip away *if you don't want it to*.


What I've been reading:

Incredibly honest from the writer of one of my favourite shows, The Affair: The truth about being a working mother - Red Magazine

"And after they’re both dressed and fed and their bottoms are wiped and their teeth are brushed, I get to actually leave my house and go to work. Where I get to make up stories about characters I love. With other people I love. Which is something I have done since I was a child for fun – but now they’re paying me to do it. So, I obviously don’t have an answer to the paradox of working motherhood. And I’m sure I never will.
But I have learned a few things along the way that I didn’t know when I began. Firstly, this is hard. Even for very tough people, it is very hard.
Secondly, reach out to your friends. That’s why you let them puke in your car back at university and you didn’t make them get out and walk home. Because one day, they’ll pay you back by sleeping over at your house when the power goes out and you have two small children and you’re afraid to be alone.
Thirdly, be kind to yourself. Treat yourself like someone you really care about. If you’re hungry, eat. If you’re tired, sleep. If you’re sad, cry (that’s what showers are for). And finally, don’t be afraid of your own story."


Why working mums are being sold an impossible dream about work/life balance — and how to set the record straight - The Times (you can sign up for one free article a week)

"Longer term, though, we have to decide what kind of a society we want to live in and what value we really put on family life. If it’s anything close to the glowing words most politicians use to express the high regard they have for “hard-working families”, then we really do have a lot of work to do — in business, in education and in policy.

Until then, if you’re drowning in work and family and think you are alone, at least know you are not. There are lots and lots of us out here. And there are some answers, however imperfect, to be gleaned from the experiences of those who have gone before. You just have to look harder for them than you might realise.

WORKING PARENTS

  • 72% of families in England have both parents in employment (ONS 2017)
  • 30%, the average wage gap between mums and dads by the time their child is 20 years old (IFS 2018)
  • 21% of mothers say they feel guilty most or all of the time — 87% feel guilty at some point (NUK 2016)"

Small business spotlight on: Don’t Buy Her Flowers - Marketing Vision

"Work out what success is for you and write it down. It’ll be different for everyone. As well as financial and growth objectives, if success includes being able to take your kids to school, or having holidays, or a daily run for your sanity, remember that. It’s your success." Steph Douglas


How to have children and a career and stay sane(ish) - Management Today

"And sometimes women who really enjoy their first maternity leave, perhaps thinking that motherhood comes pretty naturally to them, hate their second maternity leave if it follows within a few years. Unlike the first, which enables full attention on one baby, the second makes them feel ripped apart by the different demands of a baby and a toddler. This can trigger a personal crisis along the lines of ‘I thought I was a career person but had a baby and realised I should be an at-home mum but now I find that I’m not good at that either.’


'I couldn't have it all' – choosing between my child and my career - The Guardian

"I peered at the other women on the train. Their makeup and hair was perfect, they were on conference calls and it wasn't even 8am. I felt as if society were telling me I had to try to be the perfect worker Monday to Friday, the perfect mother every weekend, and toned, healthy woman all year round. Oh, and, of course, wife, friend, sibling and daughter."


Spot the working mother: happy, busy, and still treated as the caretaker - The Guardian

"So here’s my wish for the next International Women’s Day: as well as exhibitions about working mothers, there will be ones depicting fathers doing the school run; male bosses will write articles about the long-term benefits of accommodating women so devoted to their jobs they return to them after giving birth; and no one will take it as a given that it’s the mother who goes part-time after having kids. Because I love the photo of me with my boys, I really do. But if we’re talking about working mothers without looking at the role men have to play, we’re seeing only half the picture."


My current position is much better than it was this time last week, when I thought I had no after school options...the school club was full from the start, the childminders are full and I guess the next path would have been looking for a babysitter. It has been resolved - our council have thankfully funded some more spaces in the after school club. If you're happy to blog about how you make work and motherhood work for you (with school children, as day nurseries are SO EASY compared to school!), I would love to publish it.

Flexible working progress

After Anna Whitehouse visited Norwich in April, I received lots of stories from women whose husbands worked for flexible employers, which is brilliant. I met a lawyer friend who has started working for a forward thinking firm in London, who is conscious of the 'missing women' in law. Did you know Theresa May said at some point that it is her vision that every business will offer flexible work without it being a thing?

In the meantime, in the words of Hollie de Cruz: "Whatever you want to do – go back to work, be a full-time mum, volunteer, make stuff, write, sing, wonder – that’s what you should do, and the only way you’ll know is by letting it come to you when the time is right, and by getting in touch with what you feel...Resist the temptation of comparing yourself to the woman next to you. Stop the glorification of busy. Remember you are doing a great job and you are exactly what your child needs."

Confidence vs Arrogance vs Self Assurance vs Boldness vs Assertiveness etc

I’ve always believed it’s Not Good to have a Big Head. To be over confident is annoying to most people. To be an expert in something is good. To share knowledge and excitement about something is good. I guess it’s a fine line between ‘showing off’, ‘being proud’ and being able to walk into a room of strangers whilst wanting to run away. 

In this little We Got This (Sometimes)! journey, confidence has been a funny old thing. Having marketed other peoples brands and companies for many years, and truly feeling passionate about them, it really is different setting up your own brand. I really don’t mind talking to anyone and everyone about it, because ultimately I think it does a good thing and can do good things for many people and businesses. 

I’ve met people who’ve told me to ‘be more male’. To talk to myself as if I am my best friend. To ‘just do it’. And in all honesty there is something in having small children as every minute you do work, you are maxing out productivity wise so there is little time to um and ah. Or dillying and dallying as my four year old says. 

BUT, do you think a business ought to be built on who the person really is, or who they pretend to be? Don’t we prefer to follow people, rather than big companies on social media because they are real, and admit their weak points? And once we know they feel sometimes how we feel, we are reassured? I suppose for me, it’s easier to admit the weak points than identify the good points, which is where being more male may help?

Mutha Hood Girl Your Moving Mountains Postcard

I think it can be tricky to see the wood for the trees unless there is time to reflect. One Girl Band is one of my favourite podcasts, and she quite rightly pointed out that we have just come to the end of the first quarter of 2018 - so it’s time to reflect. Her prompts are here, have a go and you’ll be surprised by what you did ‘achieve’, whether it was re-organising a window sill, getting a new project or making a new friend. 

This article by Lauren Bravo, whose Twitter feed I am most enjoying, made me laugh: “So I guess the challenge is to find the sweet spot on the confidence spectrum, somewhere between crippling self-doubt and Katie Hopkins. After the panic, but before you become insufferable. What’s our RDA of anxiety, though? Is it like a vaccination — too much makes you sick, but a small quantity makes you actually invincible? And, hang on: why are we, the neurotics and not-good-enoughs, having to do all the self improvement here?”

I think what I am trying to say is that I've found mostly we’re all a bit shy, and mostly we're encouraging everyone else to do well. Recently I’ve been to two networking events. I’ve not been to one since 2010 when I was kind of forced to for work, and it is REVELATIONARY. I drove in the setting sun at 18:30 while Mike put the kids to bed and learnt some stuff and chatted to some women. I am feeling the positive effects weeks later. And I turned up alone to both, and I was nervous. 

Ok, so:

  1. Everyone is a bit shy. Except men apparently. Which I don’t think can be true. Anyway.
  2. If you’re a freelancer or business owner, or part of a small business, the networking events I have been to are run by Alex at The Parent & Baby Show (your business needs to be operating in this industry) and Nourish Networking by Jackie Heffer Cooker. 
  3. Huffington Post has some good advice here on confident women
  4. I love Lauren Bravo so am very pleased to have her name on my blog. 
  5. Most people love to help people - always try and give a lot more help than you’re asking for 
  6. Come and meet women of confidence, confidence in different guises - the most excellent Mother Pukka, the Scummy Mummies and Gemma from Mutha.Hood - all women who are, quite literally themselves and are an inspiration without being more male.

The End. 

 

 

 

What a difference a change of mindset makes

...and give the flow a good list, plan and push, let's be honest. Pic  @happyhandshappyheart

...and give the flow a good list, plan and push, let's be honest. Pic @happyhandshappyheart

I'm not professing to be a blogger or writer, but I want to get down some kind of thoughts about stuff. With less than a week to go before the first event, everything is in a list, which feels like an achievement! Starting work at the same time as launching We Got This (sometimes) feels like a crazy thing to do, but if I didn't do it I would get absorbed into work again and never do a side hustle, so I guess I should have expected it to be a mad juggling act!  Making the transition from maternity leave to work, whilst my husband starts a new job, we just moved house and the children started new childcare has been tricky but the reasons why it is tricky are different to what I expected:

a) I am much slower getting anything done round the house since my baby started crawling, he is EVERYWHERE. He is also making it known if he is displeased about being moved / doors being shut etc. He wants to play with all the things that are not toys. I had forgotten this stage. 

b) Getting stuff ready for two children for pre-school and nursery feels like a new job in itself. I am not used to term times, being asked to do stuff (found a letter from the school from two weeks ago, so accidentally missed some asks), getting out of the house in the morning without losing my rag is rare, making packed lunches for the baby and it probably isn't actually that much but it feels like a big thing! 

c) Expectations vs reality. I have a fabulous weekly structure (I hate routines but I get that we need it), and tasks are stacked like jenga bricks to meet deadlines, and then illness strikes, childcare is a no-no, and it unravelled very quickly! Doctor appointments, house was carnage, disrupted naps, disrupted nights. I did get the basics done but it did feel like Motherland was being channelled into my home. I’m becoming more accepting that it’s me that needs to sacrifice my evenings / weekends to make up the time lost to sickness but it's hard! 

So I have been talking in my head a lot, muttering about how on earth am I meant to do this, is it normal, and the biggest revelations have happened this week, which has stopped the muttering (hopefully for longer than a few days)!

1 - The Help...I hate asking for help, I feel that I ought to be able to do everything myself, and if not myself then between my husband and I. My husband is away a bit over the busy launch period which isn’t ideal as I probably should be doing more stuff for the business. The amount of help I'm getting from my family and friends and newly met people and strangers is incredible for this little business and all in different ways. I'm feeling very lucky and women-helping-women is very very apparent. And my dad! He is coming to look after the kids on Tuesday, and is being very nice and calm about it all (while I conjure up all sorts of scenarios:-0).

2 - The Menopause. Yes a bit off beat, but I saw a video and it made this think 'whaaaat hang on a sec! I thought things are going to get easier when the kids are bigger but then this will happen! Perhaps I need to try and enjoy the here and now more!' Bit of an eye opener. 

3 - The Elderly. A whole topic in itself, I am lucky enough to have grandparents still, however they are having a few struggles with health and it has been a reminder to look outside the small children bubble as well as a realisation to enjoy the kids now (as much as possible). 

It's getting late and I don't want to be blasé and say things don't matter, but for me, this week, I've had a different view which has transformed my outlook. Hope this helps someone else who may be stuck in a rut and feeling low / like they have taken on too much! 

If you are coming on Tuesday, look forward to seeing you! X